Understanding Grief, Loss & Disenfranchised Grief

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

Grief. It’s one of those experiences that unites all of us as human beings. We all, at some point in our lives, face loss—whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or even a way of life we once knew. And yet, despite its universality, grief can be one of the loneliest journeys we take.

But today, I want to talk about a specific kind of grief that often goes unspoken—disenfranchised grief. It’s the grief that doesn’t always fit neatly into society’s boxes, and that makes it harder for people to validate or even recognise it.

A few years ago, a dear friend of mine lost his father. Now, this wasn't your typical father-son relationship. My friend had grown up without much contact from his dad, despite making effort after effort to reconnect throughout the years. In his teens, into his twenties and thirties, he kept reaching out—calls, texts, even an invitation to his own wedding. His father never responded.

It wasn’t until weeks after his father's passing that my friend received a text from a distant relative with the news.

He grieved. He grieved for the father he lost but, more profoundly, for the father he never truly had. Flowers and condolences poured in, but beneath it all, he wrestled with guilt, regret, and a complicated sense of loss. That, my friends, is disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised grief is the kind of grief that isn't widely recognised by society. It’s when the relationship you had, the circumstances of the death, or the way you express your grief doesn’t meet the typical expectations.

Think about situations like losing a former partner, a pet, or even someone you had a strained relationship with—like my friend. When you’re not sure if your grief will be understood, it can feel as if you’re mourning in silence.

So, how do we navigate this kind of grief? Here are some steps that can help you, or someone you care about, process disenfranchised grief: Validate Mixed Emotions:
"It’s okay to feel conflicted. You can feel relief, anger, and sadness all at once, and that's a normal response."

Normalise the Experience:
"Your grief doesn’t have to look a certain way. It’s personal, and it’s real. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach."

Encourage Expression:
"Talk about your feelings, whether it’s anger, regret, or relief. Don’t fear judgment. All of it deserves a voice."

Explore Unresolved Issues:
"Sometimes, the grief isn’t just about the loss itself, but about unresolved pain. That’s where healing can truly begin."

Grieving is as personal as it is complex, and you should never feel like your pain is invalid because it doesn’t match what others expect. I’ve seen many clients over the years who have struggled with complicated feelings of grief, and I want to say this—it’s okay to feel what you feel. Your grief is valid. You don’t have to grieve in silence. And you don’t have to fit into a Mold of what others think grief should look like. If you’ve experienced a loss, even one where the relationship was strained or difficult, it’s still a loss. It’s still worthy of your compassion.

Remember, finding the right support, whether it’s from a therapist, a friend, or even your own reflection, can be like finding a soulmate. It might take some time, but when you find someone who understands your grief and can support you—hold them tight.

So, be kind to yourself. Grieve in your own way. And if you need help, don't hesitate to reach out, Schedule a consultation with me. You deserve to heal.